Pinoy Funny Ideas

The Filipinos are generally cheerful people. We always have funny ideas and stories about life, love, work and leisure. Life is lifeless, love is loveless, work is dull, leisure is non-relaxing and getting together with people becomes boring if there is no funny story-telling and jokes. Everything under the sun when treated with Pinoy humor can bring smile and laughter! For Jobs Abroad, http://pinoyrecruiter.blogspot.com and for Inspiring Filipino stories, http://pinoytenant.blogspot.com

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

50 Best Things in Pinoy (Reminiscing ... Part 1 of 2)

FROM the 1896 Revolution to the first Philippine Republic, the Commonwealth period, the EDSA Revolt, and the tiger cub economy... history marches on.

Thankfully, however, some things never change. Like the classics, things irresistibly Pinoy or Filipino mark us for life. They’re the indelible stamp of our identity, the undeniable affinity that binds us like twins.

These things celebrate the good in us, the best of our culture and the infinite possibilities we are all capable of. Some are so self-explanatory you only need mention them for fellow Filipinos or Pinoys to swoon or drool.

Here, from all over this crazed country (but beloved nation for patriotic Pinoys like us) and in no particular order, are fifty (50) best things that make us unmistakably Pinoy.

1. Merienda. Where else is it normal to eat snack five times a day?
2. Sawsawan. Assorted sauces that guarantee freedom of choice, enough room for experimentation and maximum tolerance for diverse tastes. Favorites: toyo’t calamansi, suka at sili, patis.
3. Kuwan, ano. At a loss for words? Try these and marvel at how Pinoys understand exactly what do you want or mean.
4. Pinoy humor and irreverence. If you’re desperate or unlucky and you know it, crack a joke. Nothing personal, really.
5. Tingi. Thank goodness for retails of small entrepreneurs. Where else can we buy cigarettes, soap, condiments and life’s essentials in small affordable amounts?

6. Spirituality. Even before the Spaniards came, our ethnic tribes had their own anitos, bathalas and assorted deities, pointing to a strong relationship with the Creator, who or whatever it may be.
7. Po, opo, mano po. Speech suffixes that define courtesy, deference, filial respect–a balm to the spirit in these aggressive times.
8. Pasalubong. Our way of sharing the vicarious thrills and delights of a trip, and a wonderful excuse to shop for presents without the customary guilt.
9. Beaches! With 7,000 plus islands, we have miles and miles of shoreline piled high with fine white sand, lapped by warm waters, and nibbled by exotic tropical fish. From the stormy seas of Batanes to the emerald isles of Palawan–over here, life is truly a beach.
10. Bagoong. Darkly mysterious, this smelly fish or shrimp paste typifies the underlying theme of most ethnic foods: disgustingly unhygienic, unbearably stinky and simply irresistible.

11. Bayanihan. Yes, the internationally-renowned dance company, but also this habit of pitching in still common in small communities. Just have that cold beer and some pulutan ready for the troops.
12. Balikbayan box. Another way of sharing life’s bounty, no matter if it seems like we’re fleeing Pol Pot every time we head home from anywhere in the globe. The most wonderful part is that, more often than not, the contents are carted home to be distributed.
13. Pilipino komiks. Not to mention “Hiwaga,” “Aliwan,” “Tagalog Classics,” “Liwayway” and”Bulaklak” magazines. Pulpy publications that gave us Darna, Facifica Falayfay, Lagalag, Kulafu, Kenkoy, Dyesebel and Captain Barbel characters of a time both innocent and worldly.
14. Folk songs. They come unbidden and spring, full blown, like a second language, at the slightest nudge from the too-loud stereo of a passing jeepney or tricycle.
15. Fiesta. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow is just another day, shrugs the poor man who, once a year, honors a patron saint with this sumptuous, no-holds-barred spread. It’s a Pinoy celebration at its pious and riotous best.

16. Aswang, manananggal, kapre. The whole underworld of Filipino lower mythology recalls our uniquely bizarre childhood, that is, before political correctness kicked in. Still, their rich adventures pepper our storytelling.
17. Jeepneys. Colorful, fast, reckless, a vehicle of postwar Pinoy ingenuity, this Everyman’s communal cadillac makes for a cheap, interesting ride. If the driver’s a daredevil (as they usually are), hang on to your seat.
18. Dinuguan. Blood stew, a bloodcurdling idea, until you try it with puto. Best when mined with chilis and peppers. Messy but delicious.
19. Santacruzan. More than just a beauty contest, this one has religious overtones, a tableau of St. Helena’s and Constantine ’s search for the Cross that seamlessly blends piety, pageantry and ritual. Plus, it’s the perfect excuse to show off the prettiest ladies–and the most beautiful gowns.
20. Balut. Unhatched duck’s embryo, another unspeakable ethnic food to outsiders, but oh, to indulge in guilty pleasures! Sprinkle some salt and suck out that soup, with gusto.

21. Pakidala. A personalized door-to-door remittance and delivery system for overseas Filipino workers who don’t trust the banking system, and who expect a family update from the courier, as well.
22. Choc-nut. Crumbly peanut chocolate bars that defined childhood ecstasy before M & M’s and Hershey’s.
23. Kamayan style. To eat with one’s hand and eschew spoon, fork and table manners–ah, heaven.
24. Chicharon. Pork, fish or chicken crackling. There is in the crunch a hint of the extravagant, the decadent and the pedestrian. Perfect with vinegar, sublime with beer.
25. Pinoy hospitality. Just about everyone gets a hearty “Kain tayo!” invitation to break bread with whoever has food to share, no matter how skimpy or austere it is.

26. Adobo, kare-kare, sinigang and other lutong bahay stuff. Home-cooked meals that have the stamp of approval from several generations, who swear by closely-guarded cooking secrets and family recipes.
27. Lola Basyang. The voice one heard spinning tales over the radio, before movies and television curtailed imagination and defined grown-up tastes.
28. Pambahay. Home is where one can let it all hang out, where clothes do not make a man or woman but rather define their level of comfort.
29. Tricycle and trisikad, the poor Pinoy’s taxicab that delivers you at your doorstep for as little as five (5) pesos, with a complimentary dusting of polluted air.
30. Dirty ice cream. Very Pinoy flavors that make up for the risk: munggo, langka, ube, mais, keso, macapuno. Plus there’s the colorful cart that recalls jeepney art.

31. Yayas. The trusted Filipino nanny who, ironically, has become a major Philippine export as overseas contract workers. A good one is almost like a surrogate parent–if you don’t mind the accent and the predilection for afternoon soap and movie stars.
32. Sarsi. Pinoy rootbeer, the enduring taste of childhood. Our grandfathers had them with an egg beaten in.
33. Pinoy fruits. Atis, guyabano, chesa, mabolo, lanzones, durian, langka, makopa, dalanghita, siniguelas, suha, chico , papaya, singkamas – the possibilities!
34. Filipino celebrities. Movie stars, broadcasters, beauty queens, public officials, all-around controversial figures: Erap, Cory Aquino, Fidel V. Ramos, GMA, Sharon Cuneta, Vilma Santos, Tiya Dely, Mel and Joey, Pops and Martin, Gary V., etc.
35. World class Pinoys who put us on the global map: Lea Salonga, Manny Pacquiao, Charice Pempengco, Paeng Nepomuceno, Eugene Torre, Luisito Espinosa, Lydia de Vega-Mercado, Jocelyn Enriquez, Elma Muros, Onyok Velasco, Efren “Bata” Reyes, Lilia Calderon-Clemente, Loida Nicolas-Lewis, Josie Natori.

36. Pinoy tastes. A dietitian’s nightmare: too sweet, too salty, too fatty, as in burong talangka, itlog na maalat, crab fat (aligue), bokayo, kutchinta, sapin-sapin, halo-halo, pastilyas, palitaw, pulburon, longganisa, tuyo, ensaymada, ube haleya, sweetened macapuno and garbanzos. Remember, we’re the guys who put sugar in our spaghetti sauce. Yum!
37. The sights. Banaue Rice Terraces, Boracay, Bohol’s Chocolate Hills, Corregidor Island, Fort Santiago, the Hundred Islands, the Las Pinas Bamboo Organ, Rizal Park, Mt. Banahaw, Mayon Volcano, Taal Volcano. A land of contrasts and ever-changing landscapes.
38. Gayuma, agimat and anting-anting. Love potions and amulets. How the socially-disadvantaged Pinoy copes.
39. Barangay Ginebra. Jaworski, PBA, MBA and basketball. How the verticaly-challenged Pinoy compensates, via a national sports obsession that reduces fans to tears and fistfights.
40. People Power. When everyone became a hero at EDSA and changed Philippine history overnight.

41. San Miguel Beer. Best with pulutan. “Isa pa nga!” and the Philippines’ most popular, world-renowned beer goes well with peanuts, corniks, tapa, chicharon, usa, barbecue, sisig, and all manner of spicy, crunchy and cholesterol-rich chasers.
42. Resiliency. We’ve survived 400 years of Spanish rule, the US bases, Marcos, the 1990 earthquake, lahar, lambada and Tamagochi. We’ll survive GMA.
43. Yoyo. Truly Filipino in origin, this hunting tool, weapon, toy and merchandising vehicle remains the best way to “walk the dog” and “rock the baby,” using just a piece of string.
44. Pinoy Games: Pabitin, palosebo, basagan ng palayok. A few basic rules make individual cunning and persistence a premium, and guarantee a good time for all.
45. Ninoy Aquino. For saying that “the Filipino is worth dying for,'’ and proving it.

46. Balagtasan. The verbal joust that brings out rhyme, reason and passion on a public stage.
47. Tabo. All-powerful, ever-useful, hygienically-triumphant device to scoop water out of a bucket and help the true Pinoy answer nature’s call. Helps maintain our famously stringent toilet habits.
48. Pandesal. Despite its shrinking size, still a good buy. Goes well with any filling, best when hot.
49. Jollibee. Truly Pinoy in taste and sensibility, and a corporate icon that we can be quite proud of. Do you know that it has invaded the Middle East, as well?
50. The Butandings, the dolphins and other creatures in our blessed waters. They’re Pinoys, too, and they’re here to stay. Now if some folks would just stop turning them into daing (dried fish).

Acknowledgement: E-mails from friends / Internet jokes
Post # 31

Sunday, April 12, 2009

50 Funny Signs and Spoofs - Pinoy Style


The Filipinos’ propensity for spoofs of popular signs shows no sign of abating. Pinoy humor, even in the most difficult situations always worms its way, and usually ends up softening the impact of what could otherwise be a bad situation.

That is typically Filipino. After all, we are not known as one of the happiest people in the world for nothing. Why do Filipinos thrive despite the adversities? Read on some of the business signs found throughout the Philippines and you’ll see why.

1. BEAUTY PARLOR in San Juan City: “CUT & FACE
2. WHOLESALER of DUCK EGGS (balot) in Batangas: “STARDUCKS
3. FAST FOOD eatery in Nueva Ecija: “VIOLYBEE
4. INTERNET CAFÉ among squatters area in Tondo: “CAFÉ PINDOT” (due excessive touch)
5. LAUNDRY SHOP in University Belt, Manila: “SUMMA CUM LAUNDRY
6. PETSHOP in Ortigas: “PUSSIES AND BITCHES
7. PETSHOP in Kamuning: “PAKITA MO PET MO” (Show MeYour Pet)
8. BAKERY in Quezon City: “BREAD PIT
9. BANK in Alabang, Muntinlupa: “ALABANK
10. RESTAURANT in Pampanga: “MEKENI ROGERS
11. RESTAURANT in Marikina City: “JOHNNY’S FRIED CHICKEN: PRIDE OF MARIKINA
12. BOXING GYM in Pasay City: “BLOW JAB
13. TOMBSTONE MAKER in Antipolo City: “LITO LAPIDA” (sounds like the Pinoy Senator / Action Star)
14. COPY CENTER in Sikatuna Village: “PAKOPYA NI EDGAR” (sounds like the Pinoy musical band)
15. BEERHOUSE in Cavite: CHICK POINT
16. LAUNDROMAT in Sikatuna: “STAR WASH: ATTACK OF THE CLOTHES”
17. INTERNET CAFÉ in Taguig: "n@kopi@"
18. BEAUTY SALON in Manila: “CURL UP AND DYE
19. GOTO (rice meal) eatery in Bulacan: “GEE CONGEE
20. WATER REFILLING STATION in Dapitan: “WA-THIRST” (No Thirst)
21. CHICKEN FEEDS Store in Bulacan: “ROBOCOCK
22. SHOE REPAIR shop in Marikina: “DR. SHOE BAGO
23. SHOE REPAIR store in Commonwealth: “SHOEPERMAN: we will HEAL you, save your SOLE, and even DYE for you!
24. PET SHOP in Caloocan City: “PETNESS FIRST
25. FLOWER SHOP in Quezon City: “SUSAN’S ROCES


26. TAXICAB Operator: INCOME TAXI
27. WATCH STORE selling second-hand items: “2ND TIME AROUND
28. SQUID (pusit) STALL in wet market: “PUSIT TO THE LIMIT
29. GAY LAWYER’s extension office: “NOTA REPUBLIC
30. CARPENTER’s ceiling installer home-office: “KISAME STREET
31. CAR REPAIR shop: “BANGGA KA DAY?” (Car accident?)
32. AQUATIC PET STORE in Malolos: “FISH BE WITH YOU
33. BEAUTY SALON in community with lot of OCW families: “SAUDIA HAIRLINES
34. BAKERY in Metro: “ANAK NG TINAPAY” (Son of the Bread)
35. RESTO eatery along Mayon Road, Manila: “MAY LISA EATERY
36. LAUNDRY SHOP: “WASH YOUR PROBLEM
37. ICE CREAM parlor: “DILA LANG ANG KATAPAT!” (Tongue is the match)
38. CHICHARON stall: “CHICHA HUT” (fried pork skin store)
39. PIZZA STORE in neighborhood: “PIZZA HOT
40. FISHBALL CART near UST: “EAT MY BALLS
41. BARBERSHOP in Cagayan De Oro: “PINOY BIG BARBER” (not related to Pinoy Big Brother)
42. RESTO eatery: “LAST SUPPER” (hope it's not..)
43. PEANUT VENDOR’s cart: “MANI NI PAPA” (Father’s peanut)
44. GYM owned by gay in Malolos: “GAYMANN FITNESS CENTER
45. PARTY NEEDS store: “BALLOON-BALLOONAN
46. CHINESE RESTAURANT in Pasig: “LAH FANG” (sounds Chinese)
47. FRESH CHICKEN store owned by woman named Dina who claims “fresh chickens daily”: “DINA FRESH CHICKEN
48. BAKESHOP with specialty "monay" bread: “TRIMONAY
49. BEAUTY SALON beside internet café with same owner: “HAIR DOT COMB
50. RESTAURANT SIGNAGE: “We are open 25 hrs. a day – no lunch/dinner breaks!

Acknowledgement: Manila Bulletin
post #30

Friday, April 3, 2009

Stars of the Zoo: The Gorilla and the Lion

Finding himself desperately in need of money, an unemployed man went to the city zoo, hoping to find a job feeding the animals. Although no such opportunity was available, the manager, seeing the size and strength of the applicant, suddenly got an idea.

"You know," he said, "there are a few creatures who attract attention like a gorilla. When the zoo attracts attention from parents who come here with their children, we earn money through the entrance fees they paid."


The manager sighed, "Unfortunately, our gorilla died yesterday. If we get you a special fur suit, would you be willing to imitate the gorilla for a few days?"

The hungry man agreed to try. He was quite successful as he beat his chest, bellowed and shook the bars of the cage - much to the amusement of zoo visitors who said they have never seen a gorilla with such intelligence.

One day, while swinging on his trapeze, he accidentally lost his grip and landed in the lion's den. The huge beast gave a ferocious roar. Backing away, the gorilla impostor realized he couldn't cry for assistance without revealing he was a fake.

He retreated, hoping to crawl back over the fence into his own cage. The lion, however, which continues with a loud roar followed him. Finally, in desperation, he yelled, "Help! help me!"

Immediately, the lion said in an undertone, "Shut up, stupid! You'll get us both fired!"

post #29

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Perfect Partner

Jack Trabajador is an OFW-overseas Filipino worker who has been employed as a construction engineer by reputable engineering companies in the Middle East for the past 20 years. He is in mid-40’s, a womanizer and yet remains a bachelor.

One afternoon, Jack and his Indian friend and fellow engineer were sitting in a café in Manama (Bahrain), drinking brewed coffee and talking about life and love.

“How come you never got married, Jack?” asks his friend at one point. “There are so many Filipina ladies who are single and working in places where you have resided and worked.”

“Well,” said Jack, “to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman for me…”

“In Al-Khobar (Saudi Arabia), I met a beautiful and generous woman – she looks like Francine Prieto - one of the actress in the Philippines. That woman was a head nurse, but she’s so generous that she had many boyfriends.”


“Then in Dubai (United Arab Emirates), I met a pretty lady – she looks like Joyce Jimenez – also another actress in the Philippines. That lady was a wonderful and generous soul – she’s a hotel restaurant manager, but we had no interests in common.”

“One woman after another would seem just right, but, there would always be something missing…”

“Then one day, I met another stunning woman in Doha (Qatar) – she looks like Carlene Aguilar – former beauty queen and now actress in the Philippines. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind – she’s a chemical engineer. We had everything in common. In fact, she was perfect.”

“Well,” said Jack’s Indian friend, “what happened? Why didn’t you marry her?”

Jack sipped his coffee reflectively. “Well,” he replied, “it’s a sad thing. Seems, she was looking for the perfect man!”


pinoy funny ideas - blog #28

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Taxi Driver and the Beautiful Nun


A taxi driver picked up a nun whose pretty face and curvaceous body looks like you have seen the angelic face and sexy figure of Filipina actress Marian Rivera.

She got into the taxi and the driver won’t stop staring at her through the cab’s rear view mirror.

She asked him why he is staring and he replied, “Sister, I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answered: “Brother, you cannot offend me. When you’re a nun like me for a long time, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, Sister, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me, specially as pretty as you are.”

She responded, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: first you have to be single and second, you must be a Catholic.”

The taxi driver is very excited and said, “ Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too.”

The nun said, “OK, pull into into the next alley.” He did and the nun fulfilled his fantasy.


But when they got back on the road, the taxi driver started crying. “Brother,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess. I’m married and I’m a Baptist.”

The nun said, “That’s OK, Brother. Actually, I am not a nun. I’m on my way to a Halloween party. By the way, my name is Mario!”


pinoy funny ideas - blog #27

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Sexy Pinay Handyman


A sexy Pinay in America whose facial feature looks like Filipina actress Rufa Mae Quinto, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

'Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge,?' the man asked.

The sexy Pinay said, "How about pipty dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, 'Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?'

The man replied, 'She should. She was standing on the porch.'

A short time later, the sexy Pinay came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' he asked.

"Oh yes," the sexy Pinay answered, "and I had paint lept ober, so I gabe it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the sexy Pinay added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Perrari!"


pinoy funny ideas - blog #26

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Parable of the Woodcutter and the Surgeon


Mario and Jun are look-alikes of the wacky duo of "Moymoy Palaboy".

Mario and Jun were out cutting wood, and Jun accidentally cut his arm off.

Mario wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and brought Jun and his arm to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "Nothing to fear, I've done this a hundred times before."

After two hours, Jun walked out of the hospital with his arm reattached. And a few days later, Jun was playing badminton.

Two weeks later, Mario and Jun were cutting wood again, and Jun accidentally cut off his leg. Very calmly, Mario wrapped the leg in a plastic bag and brought Jun to a surgeon again.

"It may take a little longer but I can do this," the doctor said.

True enough, after four hours, Jun walked out of the hospital using his two legs. And a few days later, Jun was doing his daily 10-kilometer morning jog.

Two weeks later, Mario and Jun were cutting wood again, and Jun accidentally cut his head off. Very calmly, Mario wrapped the head in the plastic bag and brought Jun to the surgeon.

"This is very difficult but let me see what I can do," the doctor said.

But after six hours, the doctor went out of the operating room and told Mario, "I'm sorry, your friend Jun died."

Mario nodded, "I understand, doc. It's very difficult to reattach a cut head."

The surgeon said, "Oh, reattaching is easy. But Jun suffocated in the plastic bag."

Acknowledgement: Kerygma Magazine, Philippines

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Peter Carpenter and the Guardian Angel

Karpintero itong si Pedro. Isang araw, gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog. Sa lakas ng pagmamartilyo niya, nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog.

Umiyak siya at lumitaw ang guardian angel niya. "Tutulungan kita, Pedro..." sabay lundag sa ilog. Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer. "Ito ba ang martilyo mo?"

"Hindi po," sagot ni Pedro. Lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer. "Ito ba?" "Hindi rin po," sabi ni Pedro.

Lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "Ito ba?"

"Opo!" sagot ni Pedro. Natuwa ang anghel. "Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang gold at silver hammer!"

Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Pedro sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya. Dahil sa katangahan, nalaglag si misis sa ilog.

Iyak si Pedro. Litaw si guardian angel. "Tutulungan kita..." sabay lundag sa ilog at nang lumitaw ay kasama si Diana Zubiri.

"Ito ba ang misis mo?" tanong ng anghel. "Yes, opo!" mabilis na sagot ni Pedro. Nagalit si anghel, "Sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman eh mabait ka."

Nag-reason-out si Pedro, "Sorry po, angel... kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at paglitaw mo eh kasama mo si Katrina Halili..."


"At kapag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na misis ko na ang kasama mo."

"At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Diana at Katrina... "

"Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una."

Moral Lesson ng Kuwento: Kaya lang naman pala nagsisinungaling ang mga lalake eh for a good and noble reason!

Friday, December 5, 2008

30 Lessons in Economics: Explained by Two Chickens - Pinoy Style!

Para sa akin, isa sa pinakamahirap pag-aralan ang subject na Economy. Basta may salitang economy o economic, hirap ko ma-gets.

Economic sufficiency, economic recovery, economic recession, economic meltdown... alam mo ba ang ibig sabihin ng mga ito?

Hango ito sa padalang e-mail ng sister kong masipag mag-browse sa internet-- tungkol sa simple pero kuwelang paliwanag ng iba't ibang economic theories at trends sa buong mundo.

Ang orihinal nito ay tungkol sa mga baka pero sa tingin ko mas madaling maintindihan kung tungkol sa mga manok-- dahil mas maraming sabungero sa Pinas kaysa sa matador-- at dahil mas maraming manok sa Pinas kaysa baka!

Narito ang pa-kuwelang diskarte ng Pinoy Funny Ideas blog tungkol sa economic trends sa buong mundo-- simpleng ipapaliwanag sa pamamagitan ng 2 inahing manok... at mga dagdag-hirit ng blog na ito tungkol sa mga kuwelang Pinoy sa Pinas.


2008 UPDATES ON ECONOMICS TRENDS

1. SOSYALISMO (Socialism)
Meron kang 2 manok. Ibigay mo ang isa sa iyong kapitbahay!

2. KOMUNISMO (Communism)
Meron kang 2 manok. Kukunin pareho ng gobyerno at bibigyan ka ng itlog!

3. PASISMO (Fascism)
Meron kang 2 manok. Kukunin pareho ng gobyerno at bebentahan ka ng itlog!

4. NAZISMO (Nazism)
Meron kang 2 manok. Kukunin pareho ng gobyerno at babarilin ka!

5. BURUKRATISMO (Bureaucratism)
Meron kang 2 manok. Kukunin pareho ng gobyerno, babarilin ang isa, pa-iitlogin ang isa, at itatapon ang itlog!

6. KAPITALISMONG TRADISYONAL (Traditional Capitalism)
Meron kang 2 manok. Ibebenta mo ang isa at bibili ka ng tandang. Magpapalahi ka ng mga sasabungin at lalago ang negosyo. Ibebenta mo at magreretiro sa kinita!

7. SUREYALISMO (Surrealism)
Meron kang 2 manok. Ire-require ka ng gobyerno na mag-aral ng fishing!

8. KOMPANYANG KANO (American Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Ibebenta mo ang isa, at pa-iitlogin ang isa na mangitlog ng para sa apat na manok. Kukuha ka ng consultant para pag-aralan kung bakit natigok ang manok!

9. KAPITALISMONG BENTURA (Venture Capitalism)
Meron kang 2 manok. Palalabasin mo sa rekord na 3 manok ang ibinebenta mo. Maglo-loan ka sa bangko para sa 4 manok. Aaplayan ng tax exemption para sa 5 manok. Ang rights para sa 6 manok ay ipapalista gamit ang isang dummy sa isang kompanya sa Cayman Island na sekretong pag-aari ng isang tao na lalabas na may karapatan sa 7 manok. Ipapalista sa report na meron nang 8 manok at may option na madagdagan pa ng 1 manok. Ibebenta mo ang 1 manok at ireregalo sa kasalukuyang pangulo o ang susunod na pangulo ng bansa mo. Meron matitira na 9 manok. Walang resibo na kasama ang release. Ipo-promo mo na puro tandang ang ipinagbibili mo at bibilhin ito ng mga tao!

10. KOMPANYANG PRANSES (French Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Mag-oorganisa ka ng welga, riot, haharangin ang mga kalsada dahil gusto mo magkaroon ng 3 manok!

11. KOMPANYANG HAPON (Japanese Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Gagamitan ng cloning para dumami ang mga manok. Para paramihin pa ang mga itlog ng manok, gagawa ng itlog na hindi galing sa manok pero galing sa pabrika!

12. KOMPANYANG GERMAN (German Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Gagamitan din ng siyensa para humaba ang buhay ng hanggang 20 taon, tumuka ng pagkain isang beses lang sa isang buwan, at turuan ang manok na maglagay ng itlog sa tray!

13. KOMPANYANG ITALYANO (Italian Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Hindi mo alam kung nasaan. Magde-desisyon kang kumain na lang ng tanghalian sa labas!

14. KOMPANYANG RUSO (Russian Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Binilang mo at nadiskubre mong meron ka palang 5 manok. Binilang mo uli at nalaman mong meron ka palang 11 manok. Muli mong binilang at nalaman mong meron ka lang 2 manok. Titigil kang magbilang ng manok at magbubukas ng panibagong bote ng Vodka!

15. KOMPANYANG SWISO (Switzerland Corporation)
Merong kang 5,000 manok. Wala isa man sa mga ito ang pag-aari mo. Pero makakasingil ka sa bawat may-ari ng manok para storage fee!

16. KOMPANYANG INTSIK (Chinese Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Meron kang 300 tao na nag-aalaga para magpa-itlog. Walang istambay sa inyo, lahat ng tao me trabaho. Ipapa-aresto mo ang reporter na nag-ulat ng totoong sitwasyon!

17. KOMPANYANG INDYANO (Indian Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Sasangkapan mo ng masala or curry powder. Maghahanap ka ng baka at sasambahin mo!

18. KOMPANYANG BRITON (British Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Wala kang masabi kundi bloody at rubbish ang manok!

19. KOMPANYANG IRAQI (Iraq Corporation)
Pakiwari ng lahat, marami kang manok. Sabi mo sa kanila, wala kang manok. Walang naniniwala sa iyo. Bobombahin at sasakupin ang bansa mo. Wala ka pa rin manok pero kabilang ka na sa demokrasya!

20. KOMPANYANG AUSTRALYANO (Australian Corporation)
Meron kang 2 manok. Mukhang maganda takbo ng negosyo. Isasara mo ang opisina at totoma ng serbesa para magdiwang!

21. PINOY ENTREPRENEUR
Wala kang 2 manok. Makikita mong malakas kumita ang pera ang iyong kapitbahay na may 2 manok. Gagawa ka ng paraan para magkaroon ng 2 manok.

22. KAPAMPANGAN
Meron kang 2 manok. Meron ka rin 2 ebun!

23. BIKOLANO
Meron kang 2 manok. Meron ka 20 halaman ng sili!

24. ILOKANO
Meron kang 2 manok. Ayaw mong mamigay ng itlog!

25 BATANGENYO
Meron kang 2 manok. Meron ka rin 10 balisong!

26. OCW
Meron siyang 2 manok sa Pinas bago bumiyahe pa-abroad. Pagbalik ng Pinas, meron na siyang 3 manok!

27. ARABO
Meron siyang 2 manok. Regular na pinatutuka ng tinapay na kubos!

28. ABU SAYYAF
Meron siyang 2 manok. Ipapatubos ang mga manok sa totoong may-ari!

29. ERAP
Meron siyang 2 manok. Nagdagdag ng 1 manok. Dinagdagan ng 1 manok. Nagdagdag uli ng 1 manok. Nagpagawa ng magkakahawig na bahay-manukan para sa mga manok!

30. GLORIA
Meron siyang 2 manok. Dadami ang mga manok nang patukain ng fertilizer. Magsasayawan ng chacha ang mga manok. Papalitan ang petsa ng pangingitlog ng mga manok!


blog#23

Monday, December 1, 2008

How To Make A Woman... and A Man... Happy!!

E-mail ito ng kumare ko at dating college barkada na nagdiriwang ng 10th wedding anniversary together with her beloved esposo.

Hindi niya sinabi kung saan niya napulot ang mga nakasulat sa ibaba. Ang importante, may hatid itong saya. Matapos ko itong mabasa, ako'y napangiti at natawa. Sana ikaw rin!

Heto raw ang mga subok na paraan para mapaligaya ng isang lalake ang isang babae... at mapatunayan din ni lalake na mahal niya talaga si babae.


55 WAYS TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a lawyer
7. a master
8. a chef
9. an electrician
10. a carpenter
11. a plumber
12. a mechanic
13. a decorator
14. a stylist
15. a sexologist
16. a gynecologist
17. a psychologist
18. a pest exterminator
19. a psychiatrist
20. a healer
21. a good listener
22. an organizer
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

Without Forgetting To:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be a good provider
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

And At The Same Time, Must Also:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

It Is Very Important:
54. never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes
55. and always devote time for hugging, kissing and loving-loving!


3 WAYS TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

A woman who loves his man must only remember 3 simple steps.

A woman only needs to:
1. Show up naked
2. Compliment his looks
3. Bring food


2 WAYS TO MAKE BOTH WOMAN AND MAN HAPPY

Kahit sino Sasaya, basta Nagpa-Canton at Nagpa-BJ Ka!
1. Pa Canton Ka Naman! - magpakain ng pansit.
2. Pa BJ Ka Naman!- magpainom ng buko juice drink.


blog#22

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Meralco Story: The Newly Wed Couple!

E-mail na kuwento ito ng isang kaibigan na nagtatrabaho sa Meralco - isang dating kaklase sa high school na matapos mag-graduate sa college ay nagtrabaho na sa Meralco. At hanggang ngayon na may asawa at tatlong anak ay nasa Meralco pa rin.

Basta ilaw at koryente ang usapan, wala sigurong hindi nakakilala sa Meralco. Basta may brownout, blackout, dagdag-singil o rollback ng bayad sa koryente, bida ang Meralco!

Pero hindi tungkol sa kasaysayan ng Meralco ang kuwentong ito. Tungkol ito sa isang kuwento na nangyari sa tunay na buhay ng isang mag-asawang Pinoy - na may kinalaman sa Meralco. Maikli lang itong kuwento, pero walang kupas at napapanahon. Heto na ang kuwento na may pamagat ...


Ang Jeepney Driver at ang Labandera

Bagong kasal sina Lando at Tasya. Jeepney driver si Lando at labandera naman si Tasya.

Isang araw, pagdating ni Lando sa bahay galing sa pasada, sabi ni Tasya sa kanya, "Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mo munang sabihin kahit kanino, baka mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."

Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco. Wala sa bahay si Lando, pumasada na.

Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi ng taga-Meralco kay Tasya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan!"

"Kanino mo nalaman ito?" tanong ni Tasya.

"Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng taga-Meralco.

"Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?," takang-taka si Tasya.

Sa sumunod na araw, si Lando ay sumugod at dumating na galit na galit sa counter ng Meralco.

"Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang misis ko?," galit na tanong ni Lando.

"Konting pasensya lang po. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang empleyadong clerk ng Meralco.

"Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" inis na tanong ni Lando.

"Puputulan ho kayo!" sagot naman ng empleyadong kahera ng Meralco.

"Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?," reklamo ni Lando.

Sagot ng taga-Meralco, "Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila, di ba?!"

Hinimatay si Lando!


blog#21

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

50 Pinoy Quotations for the New Generations

May kasabihan sa Ingles, "The only thing constant in this world is change!

Wala sigurong kokontra sa kasabihang ito. Totoong tunay na lahat ng lumang bagay sa mundo, laging may kapalit na mas bago. Lahat ng bagay na nababago, puwedeng baguhin!

Sa larangan ng computer, electronics, automotive, fashion, medisina, teknolohiya at iba pa, napakabilis ng mga pagbabago. Yung sinasabing luma na ngayon o kaya'y obsolete, parang kailan lang ay bago ang mga 'yan!

Dahil sa pagka-moderno ng pamumuhay ng tao ngayon saan man sulok ng mundo, hindi lang pati mga bagay na puwedeng bilhin at ipinagbibili merong bago. Yung iba diyan, pati boyfriend or girlfriend, o kahit asawa pa - kayang baguhin!

Pero hindi bagong lovelife ang talagang paksa natin. Tungkol ito sa mga kasabihang Pinoy na binago ng panahon.

Marami pang iba sa mga susunod na kabanata ng blog na ito. Heto muna ang patikim na limampung (50) koleksyon ng mga kasabihang Pinoy na inilista ng inyong lingkod na walang magawa.... at kaysa tumira ng droga, tumambay kung saan-saan o makipaglaban ng inuman sa kanto ay mag-kolektor na lang - hindi ng huweteng kundi ng mga Pinoy jokes, amusing essays and stories about everything Pinoys na dinagdagan ng mga pa-cute na pakuwelang hirit ng Pinoy Funny Ideas blog.


5o Mga Kasabihang Pinoy na Binago ng Panahon

1) Ang taong nagigipit... sa bumbay kumakapit!
2) Pag may usok...may nag-iihaw.
3) Don‘t judge the book by its cover... if you are not a judge or else you will cover the book!
4) Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin... may utang.
5) No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry!
6) Birds of the same feather that prays together... stays together.
7) Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot!
8) Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
9) Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao!
10) Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan .... may stiff neck.
11) Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster!
12) Kapag may taga, may tahi.
13) Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin!
14) To err is human, to errs is humans.
15) Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment!
16) Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
17) Better late than later...
18) Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago. Mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga!
19) Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, kailangan ng Alaxan.
20) Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa!
21) Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na.
22) Behind the clouds are the other clouds!
23) Aanhin pa ang damo.. kung bato na ang uso.
24) Its better to cheat than to repeat!
25) Do unto others... then run!
26) Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.
27) Magbiro ka na sa lasing. Magbiro ka na sa bagong gising. 'Wag lang sa lasing na bagong gising!
28) When all else fails, follow instructions.
29) No man is an island because time is gold!
30) An apple a day... is too expensive.
31) An apple a day makes seven apples a week!
32) An apple a day cannot be an orange a day.
33) Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto.. muta lang yan!
34) Kapag ang puno mabunga... mataba ang lupa.
35) When it rains... it floods!
36) Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon...mauubusan din ng kandila.
37) Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw minsan nasa.... vulcanizing shop!
38) Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan... sapul . --- Aray ko po!
39) Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.
40) Ako ang nagsaing... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh!
41) Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.
42) Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago!
43) Pag may tiyaga... goodluck.
44) If you can't beat them, shoot them!
45) Practice makes perfect… but nobody is perfect… so why practice?
46) Pag mainit ang ulo ni misis... kulang sa sustento at amoy alak si mister!
47) Pag mainit ang ulo ni mister... walang lutong ulam at hindi naligo ni misis!
48) Love is blind. Love is real. Love is boundless. Therefore, blind is real boundless.
49) Buti pa ang perang papel, laging may tao... ang tao, madalas walang pera.
50) Money is not everything... there is Mastercard and Visa!

blog#20

Saturday, November 22, 2008

20 Truths and Nothing But the Truths

E-mail ito sa akin ng isang kaibigan kong aktibo sa church activities.

Naalala ko yung short prayer sa previous blog:
"Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke;
To get some humor out of life... and pass it on to other folks..."

Sa langit daw, laging masaya't nagtatawanan ang mga anghel at kerubin. Kung totoo ito, tiyak na marami din silang kuwentuhan, jokes at biruan na nagpapasaya sa lahat!

Narito ang twenty spiritual truths na nai-share ng mabait kong kaibigan at ang opinyon-hirit ng Pinoy Funny Ideas blog.


TWENTY TRUTHS TO REMEMBER

1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

May pananampalataya na nagpa-panic sa oras ng kalamidad, aksidente at matinding pangangailangan!

2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

Ang madasalin ay hindi umaayaw. Ang umaayaw ay hindi madasalin!

3. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home every day.

Ang anak ng Diyos ay laging tumatawag at nagte-text ng panalangin!

4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Pinagpala ang mga maunawain sa kapwa dahil sila'y uunawain ng Nasa Itaas!

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

Ipagkatiwala ang mga buhol ng iyong buhay sa Diyos!

6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

Huwag nang gumamit ng calculator sa pagbilang ng mga biyayang kaloob!

7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

Mahal ng Diyos ang taong ispiritwal, hindi ang relihiyosong panatiko!

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa. Huwag problemahin ang problema. Ang problemahin ay ang sarili mo!

9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

Pag ang isang tao ay tahimik, malamang natutulog o patay na!

10. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

Tumawa araw-araw. Mabisang exercise kaysa jogging!

11. The most important things in your home are the people.

Ang pinakamahal sa loob ng isang bahay ay ang mga taong mahal mo sa buhay!

12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

Lahat ng tao ay tumatanda. Hindi lahat ng tao ay may pinagkatandaan!

13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

Kung nawala ang iyong susi sa kaligayahan, gumawa ng paraan para magpa-duplicate!

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

Mabigat magbitbit ng mga sama ng loob. Ilabas ang sama ng loob, bumitbit ng kahit anong bagay na may bigat at ibalibag sa sahig o dingding!

15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Ang namatay na madaming iniwang ari-arian, ang kapamilya't kamag-anakan ay magkakamatayan sa pag-aagawan!

16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.

Huwag magbilang ng araw. Tandaan ang bawat araw na ka-moment moment!

17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just hearsay.

Feel mo, feel ko ... mas mahusay ang may karanasan kaysa sa nagkuwento lang!

18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

Buhusan ang inidoro ng awa matapos gamitin!

19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle -- it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

Wagi sa buhay ang matapang makipagsapalaran.

20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

Pag maganda ang ugali, maganda ang reputasyon. Pag pangit ang reputasyon, pangit din ang ugali!


blog#19

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Universal Laws in Pinoy Style of Living

Bawat bansa ay may mga batas na sinusunod. Ang mga batas na ito ay ginawa ng tao. Depende sa batas na nilabag, ang hindi sumunod ay pinaparusahan ng multa, kulong o kamatayan.

Maging ang Dakilang Lumikha ay may mga utos na mas mataas pa sa mga batas na ginawa ng tao. Ito ay masasabi nating mga batas ng Diyos at ang gantimpala sa nagsasabuhay nito ay langit, at sa mga pasaway ay sa impiyerno!

Pero meron ding mga batas ang uniberso o kalikasan na applicable sa lahat ng klase ng tao- anuman ang lahi at anuman ang edad, mayaman o mahirap, may edukasyon o wala, mabuti man o masama ang ugali, mapa-lalake, mapa-babae at kahit di tiyak ang kasarian.

Narito ang ilan sa Universal Laws na tinipon dito at ang opinyon-hirit ng Pinoy Funny Ideas blog:


LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Pinoy Style: Magsama ng tagakamot ng ilong at dyumingel na muna bago magkumpuni!

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Pinoy Style: Maghanda ng flashlight at panungkit bago mag-umpisa ng kukutingtingin!

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Pinoy Style: Mag-astang istupido o magtanga-tangahan sa lahat ng oras para hindi halata pag may nagawang kaistupiduhan o katangahan!

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Pinoy Style: Mag-text na lang or makipag-chat sa internet!

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Pinoy Style: May aksidente sa kalsadang dinaanan. Ma-traffic!

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Pinoy Style: Sumingit agad basta may konting masisingitan. O dumaan sa sidewalk or pavement ng kalsada. O salubungin ang opposite lane!

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Pinoy Style: Maglagay ng cordless extension phone unit sa banyo!

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Pinoy Style: Lumikong pakanan o pakaliwa ng daan. Magsuot ng shaded eyeglass at baseball cap!

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Pinoy Style: Maggalit-galitan at sisihin ang nagbigay ng maling inpormasyon. O magdahilan na ito'y isang milagro!

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Pinoy Style: Humanap ng mahabang stick na pangkamot o kumbinsihin ang pinakamalapit na tao sa iyo na kamutin ka!

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Pinoy Style: Excuse me po! Makikiraan lang po!

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Pinoy Style: Isalang ang lumamig na kape sa microwave oven o magtimpla ng bagong mainit na kape!

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Pinoy Style: Siguraduhing gumagana parati ang locker para hindi mawala ang gamit!

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Pinoy Style: Palitan ng wood parquet o konkretong marmol ang sahig!

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Pinoy Style: Magdala ng yosi at manigarilyo, o ngumuya ng babolgam o kendi at magbasa ng tabloid na diyaryo!

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Pinoy Style: Tsamba lang. O sinuwerte lang. O ito'y isa na namang milagro!

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Pinoy Style: Mag-tsinelas or mag-sandals na lang!

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Pinoy Style: Pag parating sarado ang bibig, ayaw ipakita ang bungi. Or puwede ring may ipin kaya lang may tinga o naninilaw dahil hindi pa nakapag-toothbrush!

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Pinoy Style: Pag walang mabiling ready-made, magpagawa ng made-to-order. Or maghanap ng second hand!

Law of Karma:
Whatever bad thing you have done will come back to you in three times worst.
Pinoy Style: Sa taong gumawa ng masama sa kanya, "Maka-karma ka rin!"

Law of Gravity:
Anything with weight from upper level position when dropped or jumped off will always fall down to ground.
Pinoy Style: Maglagay ng safety net o kutson. O ingatan huwag bumagsak o tumalon!

Law of Attraction:
Anything that you think of will materialize and anything you desire will come true when you least expected.
Pinoy Style: Regular physical check-up o konsultasyon sa doktor para masigurong walang sakit sa puso!

Law of Prayer to Ponder:
"Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke;
To get some humor out of life... and pass it on to other folks!"
Pinoy Style: Amen!!


blog#18

Classic Movie Titles: Pinoy Humor in Translation

Isang araw ng Linggo ay nag-operation linis ako ng aking kuwarto sa aming home sweet home.

Isa sa pinakamatinding nakahiligan ko sa buhay-- hindi alak, hindi sugal, hindi babae at lalong hindi rin lalake-- not so long ago ay ang manood ng mga pelikula, gawang Hollywood man o gawang Pinas, at kahit gawang Intsik at gawang Bumbay!

Mabibisto ang edad ko nito. Ang dami ko palang koleksyon ng VHS video tapes na kelangan kong idispatsa dahil wala na sa uso at inaamag na. Uso na kasi ngayon ang movies na puwedeng i-save sa USB, DVD at VCD!

Anyway, sinubukan kong ilista ang titles ng mga koleksyon kong pelikula - three to five years ago at nag-reminisce ako kung natatandaan ko pa ang istorya ng bawat isa kung sasabihin ko sa one liner. Oks pa naman pala ang memorya ko, medyo recall ko pa ang summary ng istorya ng bawat isa by just translating the titles into Tagalog or English, and vice versa.

Heto ang titles ng movie collections ko not too long ago-- and to give you idea on how truly good, entertaining (and funny) when I reminisced them. Sinubukan kong i-translate 'yung American movies with English titles into Tagalog, at 'yung mga pelikulang Pinoy na may English titles, sinubukan kong i-translate sa Tagalog.

Eto ang resulta ng aking expert translations ...


TAGALOG = ENGLISH

Walang Matigas Na Tinapay Sa Mainit Na Kape = There's No Hard Bread on Hot Coffee

Masamang Damo = Bad Grass

Pag Oras Mo Na, Oras Mo Na = If it's Your Time, Its your Time

Tunay Na Tunay. Gets Mo? Gets Ko! = Very Real. Get It? I Get It!

Wala Ka Nang Lupang Tatapakan = You Have No More Soil to Walk on

Babangon Ako't Dudurugin Kita = I Will Wake Up and and I Will Crush You

Dumating Ka Lang Ba Para Umalis? = Did You Come Just to Go?

Sana'y Maulit Muli = Hope to Repeat Again

Kung Ayaw Mo Huwag Mo = If You Don't Like, Don't You

Isang Bala Ka Lang = You're One Bullet Only

Abakada... Ina = ABC Mother

Kakaba-Kaba Ka Ba? = Nervous-Nervous Are You?

Oops, Teka Lang Diskarte Ko 'To = Oops, Wait This is My Tactic

Sa Huling Paghihintay = In the End of the Waiting

Dahil Mahal Na Mahal Kita = Because Love and Love you

Muling Ibalik Ang Tamis Ng Pag-ibig = Bring Back Again the Sweetness of Love

Walang Karugtong Ang Nakaraan = Theres No Connection in the Past

Maglulupa Man Ako = If I was the Soil Man

Pagbabalik Ng Probinsyano = The Return of the Provinceman

Bihagin Ang Dalagang Ito = Hostage this Young Girl

May Lamok Sa Loob Ng Kulambo = There's a Mosquito Inside the Mosquito Net

Tulak Ng Bibig, Kabig Ng Dibdib = Push of the Mouth, Pull of the Chest

Type Kita Walang Kokontra = You're my Type, Dont Contradict

Hatiin Natin ang Ligaya = Let's Cut in Half the Happiness

Tuhog = Barbecued

Boy Anghel, Utak Pulboron = Boy Angel, with Mind of Powdered Bulacansweets

Home Along The Riles = Bahay sa Gilid ng Rails


ENGLISH = TAGALOG

Jerry Maguire = Jerry M. Aguirre

X-Men = Mga Dating Lalaki

Silence of the Lambs = Katahimikan ng mga Tupa

Mary Poppins = Maria Putok

The Fast and the Furious = Ang Mabilis at Ang Galit na Galit

Stepmom = Nanay-Nanayan

Thin Red Line = Payat, Pulang Linya

Me, Myself, and Irene = Ako, Ako, at si Irene

Babe in the City = Sanggol sa Syudad

Jurassic Park = Sinaunang Luneta

Batman Forever = Taong Paniki Habang Buhay

Lethal Weapon = Makamandag na Armas

Lethal Weapon 2 = Makamandag na Armas Ulit

Lethal Weapon 3 = Makamandag na Armas na Naman

Lethal Weapon 4 = Makamandag na Armas na Talaga


blog#17

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Pinoy Nostalgia: Humor from the 60's, 70's and 80's

Dedicated to ALL KIDS who were born in the 60's, 70's and 80's!

Sa mga Pinoy na isinilang noong dekada sisenta, sitenta at otsenta - tiyak makaka-relate kayo nito.

Sa mga Pinoy na isinilang noong dekada nubenta hanggang siglo 2000, baka hindi kayo masyado maka-relate kaya read na lang para getz n'yo.

Blast from the past worth reminiscing. Old stuff but still bright and delightful memories!

Padalang e-mail sa akin ito ng isang kaibigan na kabilang sa dekada sitenta. Sinulat niya daw ito habang umiinom ng serbesa.


BABIES

Many of us - babies during the 60's, 70's and 80's survived being born to mothers who did not have an OB -Gyne and drank instead San Miguel Beer while our moms carried us.

While pregnant, our mothers also took cold or cough medicine, ate "isaw" and didn't worry about diabetes.

Then after all that trauma, baby cribs provided to us were made of hard wood covered with lead-based paints, pati na yung walker namin, matigas na kahoy din at wala pang gulong.

We had no soft cushy cribs that play music, no disposable diapers - lampin lang!


CHILDREN

When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, no kneepads, sometimes wala pang preno 'yung bisikleta.

As children, we would ride in hot un-airconditioned buses with wooden seats (yung JD bus na pula), or cars with no airconditioning and no seat belts.

Riding on the back of a carabao on a breezy summer day was considered a treat. (ngayon hindi na nakakakita ng kalabaw ang mga bata).


DRINK AND EAT

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle purchased from 711 ( minsan straight from the faucet or poso).

We shared one soft drink bottle with four or more of our friends, and NO ONE actually died from this. Or contacted hepatitis.

We ate rice with star margarine, drank raw eggs straight from the shell, and drank sofdrinks with real sugar in it (hindi diet Coke), but we weren't sick or overweight.


GAMES

We were always outside playing!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, and get back when the streetlights came on. Sarap mag patintero, tumbang preso , habulan at taguan.

No one was able to reach us all day (di uso ang cellphone). And yes, we were O.K. We would spend hours building our wooden trolleys (yung bearing ang gulong) or plywood slides out of scraps and then ride down the street, only to find out we forgot the brakes!

After hitting the sidewalk or falling into a canal (seweage channel) a few times, we learned to solve the problem ourselves with our bare and dirty hands .


PLAYING WITH NATURE

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 100 channels on cable, no DVD movies, no surround stereo, no IPOD's, no cell phones, no computers, no Internet, no chat rooms, and no Friendster.

But WE HAD REAL FRIENDS and we went outside to actually talk and play with them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no stupid lawsuits from these accidents.

The only rubbing we get is from our friends with the words.. masakit ba ? Pero pag galit yung kalaro mo.... ang sasabihin sa iyo.. beh buti nga!

We played marbles (jolens) in the dirt, washed our hands just a little and ate dirty ice cream and fish balls. We were not afraid of getting germs in our stomachs.


ENVIRONMENT FRIENDLY

We had to live with homemade guns " gawa sa kahoy, tinali ng rubberband, sumpit, tirador at kung ano ano pa na puedeng makasakitan.. pero masaya pa rin ang lahat.

We made up games with sticks (syato), and cans (tumbang preso) and although we were told they were dangerous, wala naman tayong binulag o napatay. Paminsan minsan may nabubukulan lang.

We walked, rode bikes, or took tricycles to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them to jump out the window!


GROWING UP

Mini-basketball teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't pass had to learn to deal with the disappointment. Wala yang mga childhood depression at damaged self esteem ek-ek na yan. Ang pikon, talo.

Ang magulang ay nandoon lang para tignan kung ayos lang ang mga bata, hindi para makialam at makipag-away sa ibang parents.


BREADWINNERS

That generation of ours has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, creative thinkers and successful professionals ever. They are the CEO's, Engineers, Doctors, Military Generals and Family Breadwinners of today.

The past decades have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had failure, success, and responsibility. We learned from our mistakes the hard way.


TODAY'S KIDS

You might want to share this with others who've had the luck to grow up as real kids. We were lucky indeed. And if you like, forward it to your kids too, so they will know how brave their parents were. It kind of makes you wanna go out and climb a tree, doesn't it?!


blog#16

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Pinoy Drinkers: Beer Compared to Women!

Inspiring Quote from a Beer Drinker:
"I have no drinking problem. I drink. I got drunk. I passed out. No problem!"


Kung meron daw masasabing isang lahi sa Asya na pinakamalakas tumungga ng serbesa, mga Pinoy 'yon!

Basta beer ang usapan, case to case basis ang karamihan ng mga Pinoy. Sa anumang okasyong Pinoy - birthday, kasalan, binyagan, graduation, fiesta at iba pang dahilan at kulturang Pinoy para magkasama-sama ang buong pamilya, kamag-anakan, kapitbahayan at mga kaibigan, tiyak na hindi mawawala ang beer sa handang inumin.

E-mail ito sa akin ng isang kaibigang beer drinker.. and mind you, babae siya - engineer pa!


25 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women?
1. You can enjoy beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play basketball or any sports.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. Hangovers go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth a few coins.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

Cheers to beer drinkers! Inuman na...


blog#15

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pinoy Employees: One Dozen Group of Office Workers

Sa mata ng isang boss, may isang dosenang klase ng mga empleyado...

1. CLOWNS - mga kenkoy sa office. May mga one-liner na gumigising sa lahat kapag nagkakaantukan na. Sabi ng ilang boss, eto raw yung mga KSP (kulang sa pansin) sa office na dahil hindi naman matalino, o kadalasang matalino na tamad lang, eh dinadaan na lang sa patawa ang pagpapapansin. Pag ang isang opisina walang ganito, magiging malaking sakripisyo ang pagpasok sa work araw-araw.

2. GEEKS - mga taong walang pakialam sa mundo. Papel, boss at computer lang ang iniintindi. Kahit na mainit na ang ulo ng boss at bad trip, ang mga geeks ay walang takot na lumalapit sa boss at nagtatanong kung mag-iiba ang result ng entry kung isa-substitute ang value ng debit sa credit.

3. HOLLOW MEN - may 2 uri ng H.M. virus, ang Type A at Type B. Ang type A ay ang empleyado na madalas na invisible sa office, bakante ang upuan, madalas absent. Ang type B naman ang pumapasok sa office bagaman present eh inivisible naman ang work, at hollow ang utak.

4. GOODTIME GIRLS - barkadahan ng mga magkakaibigang babae na mahilig gumimik, sabay-sabay pero laging late na pumapasok. Madalas na may hawak na hairbrush at women's magazines. Pag pinagawan mo ng group works, sila ang madalas na magkaka-grupo.

5. GOODTIME BOYS- ang male counterparts ng Goodtime Girls, isinilang para magpa-cute. Konti lang ang members nito, 2-3 lang para mas pansin ang bawat isa. Tulad ng Goodtime Girls, kadalasang puro Hair Gel lang ang laman ng utak ng mga Goodtime Boys.

6. CELEBRITIES - Politicians, Athletes, Performers. Politician ang mga palaban na empleyado na mas nag-aalala pa sa kalagayan ng kompanya at mga kapwa empleyado kesa sa performance. Athletes ang ilang 'varsitarians' na kung gaano kabilis pumasok eh ganon kabagal mag-work. Performers naman ang mga empleyado na kaya lang yata pumapasok eh para makasayaw, kumanta, at makatula sa stage kapag organizational day. Sa pangkalahatan, ang mga celebs ay matindi ang PR, pero mababa ang IQ.

7. GUINNESS - mga record holders pagdating sa persistence. Pilit pinupunan ang mga kakulangan sa katalinuhan. Sila ang mga kadalasang nagtatagumpay sa buhay. Masinop sa work. Mabilis mag-work, kahit na laging mali .

8. LEATHER GOODS - mga empleyadong maling uri ng determinasyon meron. Laging determinado ang mga ito sa harapang pangungupit, bulgarang pandaraya, at palagiang pagpapalapad ng papel sa boss. Talo ang mga buwaya sa pakapalan.

9. WEIRDOS - mga problematic employees, misunderstood daw, kadalasang tinatawag na black sheep ng office. May kanya-kanya silang katangian, konti ang kaibigan, madalas mapaaway, mababa ang evaluation, at boss's enemy.

10. RIZALISTAS - tinaguriang mga anak ni Rizal. Ang mga Endangered Species kumbaga. Straight 'A' employees pero well rounded at hindi geeks. Boss's pet pero hindi sipsip. Busy sa work pero may oras pa rin sa extra-curricular activities, at gimiks!

11. BOB ONGS - mga medyo matino na may sayad. Updated sa local at foreign news, pati sa showbiz. Laging may naiisip na sanhi, dahilan o excuse sa lahat ng mga nangyayari sa paligid, sa loob at labas ng office.

12. COMMONERS - mga generic na member ng class. Kulang sa individuality, at katangiang umuukit sa isipan. Hindi sila agad napapansin ng boss pag absent, at sa paglipas ng panahon, sila ang mga taong nakakalimutan ng mga boss at co-employees nila.

Kung nagtatrabaho ka sa isang opisina... ikaw, sa'n ka kabilang?


blog#14

Friday, November 14, 2008

Women's Dictionary: To Understand Women!

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus!" Title 'yan ng isang bestseller na libro tungkol sa pagkakaiba ng mga lalake at babae.

"What Women Want?" Title 'yan ng isang Hollywood movie noong dekada nubenta na nagpaliwanag sa pampelikula at kuwelang paraan kung ano ang gusto ng mga babae sa buhay.

Imported mula sa Amerika ang libro at pelikulang binanggit pero tugmang-tugma ito at walang pinagkaiba sa mga kababaihang Pinay. Kahit anong lahi, nagkakaisa na sadyang mahirap intindihin ang kanilang mga kababaihan. Ang mga babae ay parang meron unibersal na bokabularyo na sila-sila lang ang nakakaalam at nagkakaintidihan.

Gayon man, sa pagdaan ng panahon at dahil sa pagsulpot mga ekspertong psychologists, writers, movies, books at journals sa ganitong paksa tulad ng binanggit sa unahan, unti-unting nauunawaan ng mga kalalakihan ang mala-diksyunaryong damdamin at kaisipan ng mga kababaihan.

Ano ba talaga ang gusto ng mga babae na dapat malaman at pagsikapan ng mga lalake kung sila ang inaasahan para matupad ang mga ito? Ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng mga babae sa bawat pangungusap na lumalabas sa kanilang bibig para lubos na maintindihan ng mga lalake at hindi pagsimulan ng away o di pagkakasundo?


Ayon sa mga ekspertong nagmamarunong, heto ang mga sampol.

DIKSYUNARYO NG MGA KABABAIHAN:

Ang sabi ng Babae kay Lalake - Ang ibig ipaintindi ng Babae kay Lalake!

May narinig akong ingay - Gising ka pa pala!

Gusto mo - Gusto mo!

Kelangan natin - Kelangan ko!

Desisyon mo 'yan - Ako ang magde-desisyon!

Gawin mo ang gusto mo - Lagot ka sa akin!

Kelangan natin mag-usap - Me reklamo ako!

Okay, sige lang - Huwag, ayoko!

Walang problema - Merong problema!

Gising ka pa - Matulog na tayo?!

Hindi ako emosyonal - Wala akong regla!

Doon mo isabit ang picture - Dyan mo isabit ang picture!

Mahal mo ba ako? - May ipapabili ako sa iyong mamahalin!

Ready ako, sandali lang - Hubarin mo muna ang sapatos mo at manood ka ng TV!

Kelangan matuto kang makipag-usap - Sumang-ayon ka na lang sa akin!

Nakikinig ka ba? - Makinig ka, huwag kang magtulog-tulugan!

Pasensiya ka na - Pasensiyahan tayo!

Hindi - Oo!

Baka o Marahil - Hindi!

Nagustuhan mo ba ang luto ko? - Gusto mo man o hindi, masanay ka na!

Hindi ako sumisigaw- Oo, sumisigaw ako dahil mahalaga ito!

Ang liit ng kitchen - Gusto ko ng bagong bahay, bagong kurtina at bagong kasangkapan!

Alam ko ang gusto ko - Ano nga ba ang gusto ko?!


blog#13

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Pinoy Jokes: Oldies But Goodies plus News Laughs

INSPIRING QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos ang kasipagan ko?!"

PULUBI
PULUBI: Palimos po ng cake.
TINDERA (Bakery): Aba, sosyal ka ha! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pa ng cake.. eto pandesal!
PULUBI: Duh! Ate? Birthday ko kaya today!

ANAK NI TATAY
BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo. Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali. Lagi na lang ako mali! Di 'nyo na ako mahal!
TATAY: Nagkakamali ka anak?
BOY: See... mali na naman ako!

ANAK NI NANAY
NANAY: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
ANAK: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o yung baboy? Umayos ka, Nay! Wag ganun!

REGALO
BF : May ibibigay akong gift sa iyo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi... "panghilod!"

EX-GIRLFRIEND
GUY: (Sa loob ng Mall, may kaakbay na girl) LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
JOWA : Ang pangit-pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...

CLASS LESSON
TEACHER: Okay class, our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: Ako ma'am... ako ma'am!
TEACHER: Okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: Science is our lesson for today!

INDAY
AMO: Inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday...)
INDAY: Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: Oh, I'm so ashamed... Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)

INCOME
BOB: Nakaka-magkano ka sa isang araw?
PULUBI: Nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8 am. Ngayon 9 am na. Naka 80 na ko!
BOB: Hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: Pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa Starbucks!

KONSULTA
DOC: Umubo ka ...
PEDRO: U-hu ... U-hu!
DOC: Ubo pa...
PEDRO: U-hu ... Uhu!
DOC: Okay.
PEDRO: Ano po ba sakit ko, doc?
DOC: May ubo ka!

MISS GAY BEAUTY PAGEANT
HOST: How can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) Mga bakla! Akala ko ba Miss Gay ito? Quizbee pala!

AUTO REPAIR
MEKANIKO: Sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: Ha?! Pano na yan?
MEKANIKO: Nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina. Happy trip na lang po!

CHILD SUPPORT
DIVORCED DAD: Anak, pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo... 18 years old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya ito for child support... tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
DAUGHTER: Mom, sabi ni Dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na raw ako. Pagkatapos, tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
SINGLE MOM: Sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya, pakisabi salamat sa suporta... kahit di mo siya tatay... pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!

MATH PROBLEM
BOY: Dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko sa iskul. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: Ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah... Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?!

SI LOLA
BOY 1: Nakakaawa naman lola mo...
BOY 2: Bakit?
BOY 1: Nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo. Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY 2: Papansin lang yun.
BOY 1: Bakit?
BOY 2: Bago kasi blouse niya!

INTELLIGENT SECRETARY
A boss confused about his Math asked his pretty female secretary:
BOSS: If I give you 3 million pesos, less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: Everything sir... dress, bra, panty!

PALAY AT BIGAS
TEACHER: Mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay na nagiging bigas ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: Eeewwww!

TITSER'S PET
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: Natural, hindi.
STUDENT: Good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko eh!

SECRET
PARI: Halika sa sulok...
MADRE: Bakit po?
PARI: Secret... sara mo pinto.
MADRE: Wag po!
PARI: Patayin mo ilaw...
MADRE: Diyos ko po!
PARI: Tignan mo rosary ko... Glow in the dark!

DONATION SA KASALAN
PARI: Sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: Eto limang piso, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang BRIDE.
PARI: Eto ang kuwatro na sukli mo, iho!

HOSPITAL PATIENT
WIFE: Hon, nahirapan ako huminga...
HUSBAND: Kung nahirapan ka nang huminga, itigil mo na!

TEXT MATE
GF: Magaling! At sino 'tong baby na nag-text sayo?
BF: Ah.. eh.. kumpare ko yan! Lalake yon! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: Oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy kasi may mens daw siya!

MAS POWERFUL
ANAK: Nay, ano po ba 'yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: Yun ang sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: Mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: Bakit?
ANAK: Ang dami niyong utos eh!

ERAP CLASSIC #1
JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh. Kala ko ba hearing lang to? Bakit may speaking?

ERAP CLASSIC #2
Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: Naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: Hay salamat. Akala ko bago!

ERAP CLASSIC #3
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: Sobrang dami ng characters, wala naman istorya.
LIBRARIAN: Kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!

ERAP CLASSIC #4
Nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap sa Tanay resthouse para magtanim. Akala ng nakakitang guwardiya, niloloko lang siya ni Erap dahil wala naman siyang makitang tinatanim nito.
GUWARDIYA: Sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: Bobo! Seedless to!!

THOUGHT TO PONDER
Hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay dahil pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napakalaking arko?!


blog#12

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Trip to Heaven: Pinoy Humor on Airlines

Malamig ang simoy ng hangin. Pahiwatig na malapit na naman ang Kapaskuhan!

Pag ganitong magpa-Pasko ay maraming OCW at balikbayan na nagtatrabaho sa abroad ang umuuwi para magbakasyon sa Pilipinas at makapiling ang kanilang mga pamilya't mahal sa buhay.

Para makauwi siyempre, kelangan nilang sumakay ng eroplano. Narito ang ilan sa iba't ibang airline carriers na suki ng mga Pinoy OCW at balikbayan. Narito rin ang ilan sa mga pakuwelang obserbasyon ng Pinoy airline passengers na nakasakay ng biyaheng langit pabalik ng 'Pinas - napulot sa mga kuwentuhan at inipon ng Pinoy Funny Ideas blog.

FLIGHT 101 - SAFETY LECTURE
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or story told by Pinoy OCW's and balikbayans - specially from "manginginoms" or wine and beer drinkers:

CONTINENTAL AIRLINES
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants!"

JAPAN AIR LINES
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite!"

BRITISH AIRWAYS
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses!"

QANTAS AIRWAYS
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal!"

NORTHWEST AIRLINES
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis USA, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted!"

SINGAPORE AIRLINES
On a return flight to Manila, the flight attendant announced, "Chewing gums and smoking cigarettes are now allowed without fine while on flight. Spitting however is not allowed except in the disposable trash bag on your seat or in the lavatory!"

THAI AIRWAYS
On a flight back to Manila,the flight attendant announced, "Complimentary condoms will be distributed to all passengers. We have plenty of sizes to satisfy everybody - small, medium, large and extra large. They also come in many flavors - orange, mint and banana. Enjoy!"

SAUDIA AIRLINES
On a flight from Riyadh to Manila, the captain announced, "Wine refreshments and alcohol beverages will be served by our flight attendants. Cheers!"

QATAR AIRWAYS
Also on a flight from Doha to Manila, the captain announced, "We have plenty of free beers on board. You are now allowed to order as much as you like from our flight crew. Just make sure you drink and do not put on your handycarry bags!"

PHILIPPINE AIR LINES
"We're now preparing to land at San Francisco International Airport. Kindly straighten up your seats, turn off all electronic gadgets, pull up your window shades and buckle up for safety. We hope you enjoyed flying with us as much as we did." "Sa wikang atin po, tayo po ay papalapag na sa paliparang pangkalawakang internasyonal ng San Francisco. Paalala po lamang sa ating mga kababayan -- ang mga unan, kumot, headset at iba pang kagamitan sa eroplano ay di po kasama sa pasalubong. Huwag po lamang baklasin ang LCD-TV na nakadikit sa silya!"


blog#11

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Relativity of Albert Einstein and Pinoy Humor

Kilala mo ba si Albert Einstein?

Kung minsan sa buhay mo ay naging estudyante ka at nagkaroon ng subject na Science, Chemistry o Physics, tiyak na kahit paano ay narinig mo sa iyong teacher o nabasa mo sa libro kung sino si Albert Einstein at kung bakit siya kinilala saan mang panig ng daigdig bilang isa sa mga pinaka-henyong tao na nabuhay sa mundo!

Kung ngayon mo lang narinig ang pangalang ito, ipagtanong mo na lang sa taong pinakamalapit sa iyo na alam mong nakatuntong sa high school at tiyak meron siyang ideya kahit paano kung sino si Albert Einstein.

Hindi tungkol sa talambuhay ni Albert Einstein ang blog na ito. Ito ay tungkol sa mga kuwelang salawikain mula sa itinuturing na pinakamatalinong siyentipiko ng ating panahon.

Kung susuriin ang mensahe ng kanyang mga salawikain, matatanto mong tugma ito sa buhay at tradisyong Pinoy at may sense of humor. Na parang Pinoy din ang kumatha ng mga kasabihang ito at parang may koneksyon o relativity- wika nga, si Albert Einstein sa puso't isipang Pinoy!

Narito ang nakaka-aliw na mga salawikain ni Albert Einstein na napulot ko sa internet at ang mga komentong hirit ng Pinoy Funny Ideas blog.


Funny Quotes By Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein is best mind known to human. He was the most Intellectual person ever. But still he had a funny side to him. Following are some of his quotes which I found funny -and I'm sure you will also found amusing!


“The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”

Pag marunong kang magtago ng sekreto, creative ka!


“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.”

(Para sa lalake) Ipatong ang palad sa mainit na kalan ng isang minuto, parang ang bagal ng oras. Ipatong ang palad sa kamay ng isang magandang babae ng isang oras, parang bumilis ang oras!


“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”

"Pa-search" ang tawag pag alam mo ang bagay na hahanapin. "Re-search" ang tawag pag hindi mo alam ang hinahanap mo!


“I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference!”

Hindi ko alam. Wala akong pakialam. Ligtas sa sisihan!


"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

Pormula para maging matagumpay sa buhay ay mag-trabaho, maglaro at huwag maging tsismoso o tsismosa!


"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."

Para walang problema sa bawat araw ng iyong buhay, huwag mong isipin ang bukas ngayong araw na ito. Bukas mo na lang siya isipin!


"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

Dalawang bagay daw ang walang hangganan: kalawakan at katangahan; may alam akong pangatlo - ang hilig bumale o mangutang ng Pinoy!

“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”

Kelangan alam mo ang rules ng laro. Hindi ka puwedeng mandaya at makalusot pag hindi mo ito alam!


“I am a deeply religious nonbeliever - This is a somewhat new kind of religion.”

Ako'y relihoyosong hindi sumasamba pero yumuyukod pag may nakaka-enganyong luhuran - ito ang aking kakaibang relihiyon!


“Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.”

Ang taong nagmamarunong, 'yon ang madalas walang alam!


"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

Pag may dalawang taong nagka-inlaban, siguradong grabe temptasyon na may kasunod na imbitasyon para sa kasalan!


"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."

Bukod sa income tax, isa pang pinakamahirap maintindihan sa mundo ay kung sino ang pinakamagaling?
Sabi ng iba, Accountant daw - dahil magaling sa entry!
Sabi ng iba, Engineer daw ang mas magaling - dahil magaling sa erection!!
Sabi naman ng iba, Bisaya daw ang pinakamagaling - dahil matigas ang dila!!!
Ano ba talaga... kuya?... ate?


“The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”

(Para sa bagets-) Ang tanging sagabal para matuto ng bagong kaalaman ay ang matigas na ulo at pasaway na attitude!
(Para sa may edad-) Ang tanging sagabal para matuto ng bagong kaalaman ay ang mapurol nang utak at makakalimuting memorya!
(Para sa mayabang-) Ang tanging sagabal para matuto ng bagong kaalaman ay big PRIDE chicken!


blog#10

Monday, November 10, 2008

Student Jokes, Dozes of Pinoy Humor

Mga pakuwelang gawa ng estudyante, mga komedyang galing sa estudyante ... napulot at inipon mula sa e-mails ng estudyante sa kapwa estudyante.

Payong estudyante
KAPAG may kasalanan ka sa nanay mo, huwag kang matakot. Unahan mo siya.
Sabihin mo sa kanya, “Nay, pagod ako… huwag n’yo ‘kong pagalitan!”
Sabay kuha ng bag at mga damit, saka mo isigaw, “Punyetang bata ako! Sige, lalayas ako!”

Karapatan ng kabataan
Bawat kabataan, may karapatan… karapatang gumala… umuwi anytime… makipag-date sa syota. Magalit man ang pa­rents mo, sabihin mo, “Sa bahay na ‘to, ako ang batas!” sabay takbo at sigaw, “Joke lang po!”

Mga SALAWIKAIN ng high school students
Aanhin mo pa ang 100 kung 75 na ang uso?
It’s better to cheat than to repeat.
Aanhin mo pa ang libro kung scholar ang katabi mo?
Sa hinirap-hirap man ng grading, sa pagda-drop pa rin ang tuloy.
Ang hindi marunong lumingon tuwing exam, bagsak na malamang!

Pagsi-shift ng kurso
Tumawag si Kenneth kay Jun-jun sa telepono…
KENNETH: Pare, magsi-shift na lang ako sa Fine Arts.
JUN-JUN: Naku, pare! Bago mo isipin ang pagsi-shift ng course, tapusin mo muna ang elementary!

Use in a sentence
TITSER: Pedro, use ‘Paul’ in a sentence.
PEDRO: PAUL, be carePAUL, you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL and make a PAUL of yourself before the peoPAUL!

Late Student
PROFESSOR: Bakit ka na-late?
STUDENT: Nahol­dap po ako!
PROFESSOR: Oh?! Ano’ng kinuha sa ‘yo?
STUDENT: ‘Yung assignment ko po!

Missing Assignment
TITSER: Mario, nasaan na ang assignment mo?
MARIO: Ma’am, na kay Edwin po! Ginawa n’yang eroplanong papel!
TITSER: Edwin, bakit kinuha mo ‘yung assignment ni Mario? At ginawa mo pa raw eropla­nong papel?! Akin na, titingnan ko.
EDWIN: Wala na po, Ma’am!
TITSER: Bakit?
EDWIN: Na-hijack po ‘yung eroplano! Hindi na nakabalik!

Like Father, Like Son
TATAY: Anak, mag-aral ka!
ANAK: Ayoko po! Bobo po ako! Hindi po ako makaintindi!
TATAY: Kaya nga mag-aral ka, para makaintindi ka!
ANAK: Ayoko nga sabi! Bakit hindi kayo makaintindi? Bobo rin ba kayo?!

Boy Loves Girl
BOY: Geometry ba ang favorite subject mo? Perfect ka kasi kahit saang anggulo tingnan, eh!
GIRL: Mukha ba akong equilateral triangle? Ayoko na sa ‘yo. I hate you! Bas­ted ka na!

Bawal sa Classroom
Isang grupo ng mga estudyante ang nagbi-BJ sa loob ng classroom.
Bastos?!
Oo naman… mag-BLACKJACK ka ba naman sa school?!

Pinoy HISTORY - Tanong (T) at Sagot (S)
T: Sinong bayani ang swimmer?
S: Lapu-lapu.
T: Bayaning manok?
S: Tandang Sora.
T: Bayaning adik?
S: Graciano Lopez High-na.
T: Bayaning naghuhubad?
S: Undress Bonifacio.
T: Bayaning matakaw sa mansanas?
S: Apple-inario Mabini.
T: Bayaning maalat?
S: Emilio Asin-to.
T: Bayaning pilay?
S: Marcelo H. del Pilay.
T: Bayaning pilay na eh mandurugas pa?
S: Gre-goyo del Pilay.
T: Bayaning papel?
S: Sulatan Kudarat.
T: Bayaning maga ang nguso?
S: Diego Silang.

Science and Life
If only every Science in the world could be applied to everything, then…
- PHYSICS could explain why we ‘fall’ in love with someone without being affected by ‘gravity.’
- LOGIC could give us the ‘reasons’ why we can’t get someone we really wanted.
- CHEMISTRY could help us find our ‘perfect combination.’
- ANALYSIS & PHY­SIOLOGY could show us how to ‘locate’ the scars in our ‘heart.’
- And probably, PHARMACOLOGY could teach us how to formulate a ‘potent analgesic’ so as not to feel any pain again or anger.


blog#9

Saturday, November 8, 2008

20 Filipino Quotations: Pinoy Heart, Pinoy Mind!

Maraming kasabihan ang mga Pinoy tungkol sa buhay. Bago pa man nauso ang pasa-load para sa cellphone, meron nang pasa-kasabihan ang mga Pilipino!

Lahat ng mga kasabihang ito ay nagsisilbing gintong aral tungkol sa iba't ibang aspesto na may kinalaman sa buhay Pinoy. Mga kasabihan na ipinasa sa mga anak ng kanilang ama't ina, ipinasa sa mga ama't ina ng mga lolo at lola, at ipinasa sa mga lolo't lola ng mga ninuno.

Ang ipapasa nating mga kasabihan sa blog na ito ay sinulat ni Bob Ong. Ang mga kasabihang sinulat niya ay inspired ng matatandang kasabihan. Si Bob Ong ay hindi Chinese philosopher bagaman sa apelyido pa lang ay mahuhulaan mo nang may lahing Chinese.

Para sa mga hindi nakakakilala, si Bong Ong ay isang Pinoy writer. Ilan sa bestsellers na librong sinulat niya sa wikang Tag-lish (mixed Tagalog at English) ay ang mga aklat na may pamagat: (1) "Aba! Nakakabasa Na Pala Ako"; (2) "Bakit Baligtad Magbasa ang Pinoy?"; (3) "Ang Alamat ng Gubat"; (4) "Stainless Longganisa" at (5) Libro ni Hudas." Ang mga kuwelang aklat ni Bob Ong ay tungkol sa buhay Pinoy.

Heto ang 20 Quotes o kasabihan mula sa mga libro ni Bob Ong at ang komentong hirit ng Pinoy Funny Ideas blog:

1. "Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pag tinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."

Kung ano ang tindi ng tama, siya rin tindi ng pagkaseryoso. Kahit anong tibay, walang binatbat pag sobrang ganda ng temptasyon!

2. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

Kelangan ng panggastos para maalagaan ang taong malapit sa iyo. Kelangan din ng panggastos para alagaan ang sarili!

3. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawakan ng iba."

Huwag kang bibitiw. Ang umaayaw ay hindi nagwawagi. Ang nagwawagi ay hindi umaayaw!

4. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

Huwag galawin kung hindi paninindigan. Huwag lawayan kung hindi uubusin. Baka mapanis!

5. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

Ang kay Pedro, kay Pedro. Ang kay Juan, kay Juan. No touch kung ayaw mong ma-koryente. Magpa-alam o humingi ng permiso bago hawakan ang merong may-ari!

6. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan yung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

Kung walang puwesto sa elevator na dumaan, hintayin ang susunod na elevator. Kung hindi makapaghintay at nagmamadali, hanapin ang hagdanan o tumalon sa bintana!

7. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo. Dapat lumandi ka din."

Mas malandi ka, mas maraming lalandi sa iyo!

8. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sa iyo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw, ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

Pag ayaw sa iyo, doon ka na lang sa kaibigan niya. Kung ayaw ng kaibigan niya, doon ka na lang sa kapatid. Kung ayaw ng kapatid, doon ka na lang sa pinsan niya. Kung ayaw ng pinsan, doon ka na lang sa kapitbahay. Kung ayaw ng kapitbahay, magpa-sex change ka na kaya!

9. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

Malungkot ang hiwalayan. Magkusa ka na lang magdagdag ng iba pang mamahalin. Huwag ka lang pahuhuli!

10. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka. Kaya quits lang."

Talagang ganyan minsan ang buhay - tabla tabla lang. Kung sino ang mahal mo, mahal niya iba. Kung sino nagmamahal sa iyo, hindi mo naman mahal!

11. "Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? Alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?

Kulang sa palo pag ayaw matulog ng bata o kulang sa gatas na pampatulog. Ang hirap na kasi ng buhay, pamahal nang pamahal ang gatas baka contaminated pa!

12. "Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."

Pag wala ka na talagang makita na gusto mo, magtiyaga ka na sa pangit at ibigin mong tunay!

13. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

Walang nang sisihan, mag-move on ka na lang sa ibang target!

14. "Nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. Hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures."

Walang taong perpekto. Ang sundalo habang nasusugatan, lalong tumatapang. Hindi baleng magkasugat-sugat at maraming peklat, meron namang sebo de macho!

15. "Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson (hindi ko man kilala ng personal si Bob Ong, nagka-idea na ako na taga dekada 80 sya) o magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."

Huwag magmadali kung teenager ka pa o 20-something ka lang. Pag 3o-plus ka na, madaliin mo na bago mahuli sa biyahe - baka kahit magpapa-pandesal hindi ka magustuhan!

16. "Ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko. Hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?"

Habang maigsi ang kumot, mag-aral mamaluktot. Huwag mong hanapin ang wala, mahihirapan at mapa-frustrate ka lang, hindi mo makikita dahil wala na nga!

17. "Hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan na ito, at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. "

Huwag mong pahirapan ang sarili mo kung hindi mo ma-gets. Maghanap ka ng tutor o ng translator!

18. "Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan."

Kung pangarap mong maging adik - hindi na kelangan ang drugs. Para ka na rin adik pag kumain ka ng siopao na may pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak. Kung hindi mapigilan ang pag-drugs, wag nang maghanap sa labas ng bahay. Tiyak sa loob ng bahay, meron puwedeng tirahin na cough syrup o rugby!

19. "Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang ka pagtanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw na walang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. Haaay, sarap!"

Huwag tumigil sa pag-aaral. Mawawalan ka ng dahilan para humingi ng baon na allowance at dagdag allowance para sa project!

20. "Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwede kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa bandang huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili."

Binabati kita. Maraming tao, walang pangarap - o kung may pangarap man, sumuko na. Yung magkaroon ka ng pangarap at magsikap na matupad ito sa ano mang legal o ilegal na paraan, malaking bagay na yon!


blog#8